This weekend Jacob and I went to a friend's birthday picnic at the local nature preserve. It was fun to get together with our small group of friends. We're all in different stages of life (some married, some engaged, some single, some dating and hopefully soon to be engaged) but we all have such a good time together. While I was eating my cookies at a picnic table trying not to scratch my itchy allergy skin (had a crazy reaction to something, but that's a different story), I overheard some of the girls talking:
K: I bet it's M and G.
S: No way, it's Debbie and Jacob.
M: You think so? Well it won't be us, we still have things we want to do and we're just not there yet.
Ah. The baby question. It seems like the minute Jacob and I said, "I do", our loving and loyal friends have been dying for us to make a baby already. It's sweet that they love us so much and are so excited to watch us grow our family. They've even said they are ready and willing to be there to help out and I'm sure when the time comes we will need help from our little village. But here's the thing: At first, I was very ready to start the baby making process but Jacob, being only 25 when we got married, was not there. He was scared to think about raising a child when he was just getting used to the idea of raising a dog. Granted, the dog was mostly raised by the time he came into the picture but, you know. Then slowly, I could see him warming up to the idea. I didn't want it to seem like I pushed him into it and I was willing to wait until he was ready. Then suddenly he was.
Truthfully, and if I can be truthful anywhere at this point it's here where no one is reading my words, we've been trying. We tried the hell out of it for most of January and February and it seemed at the end of February something was different about me. I would get nauseous all the time just randomly, I was sporting a little extra something around the waist, I was tired a lot. Lo and behold, the lady times hit and it seemed it was just an extra rough extended PMS time. Which meant, not only was I not pregnant but I wasn't fitting into my jeans because I was getting fat, what the hell?!?
I do want a baby so much. I want one now. I'm ready: I'm reading the books, and charting the thing, and reminding Jacob to keep his boys cool, and basically vacillating furiously between stressing out about it and just letting God do his thing. I'm much more of a mess about this than I let on, even to Jacob. Because when it was my period coming and not a baby, it was a blow. We TRIED more times than we've ever tried, you know? And if all that effort was for naught, we are gonna have to go at it on epic levels to put a little human in there. I know, I know, it takes time, on average about six months for a normal healthy couple to make it happen. I gotta stop stressing about this.
It's just, the added pressure of our friends wondering when/if it'll happen for us is kinda slowly killing me inside. I want to try to stay as healthy as I can while we try which means: no drinking, eating light, working out and staying (getting at first) active. The biggest clue for them is my not drinking. Not that I was a big ole alcoholic before, I've always been a light drinker. But when someone suggests we go to a pub for a few drinks, I panic. How do I hide the fact that I'm not drinking? If I tell them we're trying they will lose their shit and be all over us "Has it happened? It is time yet? Are you pregnant" and I think I'm freaking out enough already. Add in the fact that we've been apart for longer stretches than we've been together, and will continue to do so through the summer, it's gonna take serious miracle working.
I have no doubt in my mind that I will be a mother, I'll try to be a damn good one at that, but I was made to mother a child. I just hope and pray I get to do that sooner rather than later. God willing, I will. So loving friends, if it were up to me it would be Debbie and Jacob first so keep us in your prayers, we'll try to do our part, and let God take care of the rest.
