change is good?

I've been feeling a definite shift in my sense of self lately. Problem is, I can't tell if it's the grief talking, if it's the pregnancy hormones, or if it actually is a real change in who I am and I'm just naturally growing into a different person. My poor, wonderful, husband tries (and greatly succeeds) in keeping me smiling and focused on all the good things in our life. But in quiet moments when I'm alone, it's so hard to grasp onto who I am. I was once a fiercely independent woman and now I feel unsettled without Jacob at my side. I was funny and caring and now I only want to look out for myself. I loved the company of friends and hanging out with those dear to me and now I want only to be at home. It's strange to be so sad when I finally got something I wanted for so long.


We found out last week this new little human is a girl. I'd gotten used to calling the baby bump he; I never really considered that there would be a little female in there. But now, I'm happy to use the correct pronouns for this little one. I love tracking her movements, irksome though they may be at 4am when I've only just gotten up to use the restroom, and talking to her so that she knows my voice. I LOVE when Jacob gets to feel her tiny kicks and when he sternly warns her not to be a slut. (It's true baby, don't be a slut!) We're both trying to bond with her in our own way and I think it's good. When she finally comes out, she'll be a person we're eager to finally greet instead of a stranger we don't know.


Now trying to find all the odds and ends we may need to raise this little girl, what a freaking crap shoot! There is so much stuff out there for babies! Every time I try to assemble anything resembling a gift registry, I just get so overwhelmed. How many bottles will we need? How many cloth diapers? Why does everyone turn their nose up at the idea of me using cloth diapers? Can a child have too many onesies?! I know at some point, I'll have to suck it up and just put something on the list. I was just hoping to go in there informed about the products. That isn't happening, no matter how many Baby Bargain books I read or websites I scour. I'm just gonna make a list and hope it's good. Wish me luck!

where to begin?

Ideally, this was gonna be a place where I actually shared my thoughts and came back weekly or so. But its been months since I've been here. So much has happened, I don't know how to get to where I am now.


First, the good: I'm pregnant. Jacob and I decided to start trying in January and lo and behold, by March I was knocked up. I didn't actually figure it out until mid-April though, at almost seven weeks. Oops. He jokes that his seed is strong. Almost 20 weeks now, halfway! It's so strange - the changes in my body, the weird happenings like my stomach growling on my right side under my ribs instead of you know, in my stomach. But it's also wonderful. I can't wait to meet him/her and start the parenthood journey.


Next, the bad: I lost two great loves of mine - my Charliedog and my father. They went within one week of each other. It seemed like someone was punishing us for being so insanely happy because before these tragedies, we really were happy beyond measure. Now we come home to an empty house. I think about the things my kid will never learn from my dad. I miss them both with all my heart. Perhaps at a later date I'll actually go into detail of what all happened but for now, both were sudden and unexpected and left me unable to breathe. If it wasn't for the baby, I would have just crumbled and taken a break from the world. But I go on, I have Jacob to rely on, and we just keep moving.


I celebrated my 34th birthday last Sunday, a week after losing my dad and two weeks after losing my dog. I could hear my dad's voice all day as if he had called me and said, "Happy birthday Love!" and when the end of the day came, I just cried because I will never hear that ever again. No one will love me like my father loved me and it isn't fair that he was taken from me. I just wanted to get through the day and get it over with. With Jacob's help, I got through it. I'm so so lucky to have that man.


Together, we embark on this journey of parenthood. We plan for our new dog someday and we're looking for a house to raise our little family. It seems like the journey is really beginning now and I can't wait to see where it takes us.