where to begin?

Ideally, this was gonna be a place where I actually shared my thoughts and came back weekly or so. But its been months since I've been here. So much has happened, I don't know how to get to where I am now.


First, the good: I'm pregnant. Jacob and I decided to start trying in January and lo and behold, by March I was knocked up. I didn't actually figure it out until mid-April though, at almost seven weeks. Oops. He jokes that his seed is strong. Almost 20 weeks now, halfway! It's so strange - the changes in my body, the weird happenings like my stomach growling on my right side under my ribs instead of you know, in my stomach. But it's also wonderful. I can't wait to meet him/her and start the parenthood journey.


Next, the bad: I lost two great loves of mine - my Charliedog and my father. They went within one week of each other. It seemed like someone was punishing us for being so insanely happy because before these tragedies, we really were happy beyond measure. Now we come home to an empty house. I think about the things my kid will never learn from my dad. I miss them both with all my heart. Perhaps at a later date I'll actually go into detail of what all happened but for now, both were sudden and unexpected and left me unable to breathe. If it wasn't for the baby, I would have just crumbled and taken a break from the world. But I go on, I have Jacob to rely on, and we just keep moving.


I celebrated my 34th birthday last Sunday, a week after losing my dad and two weeks after losing my dog. I could hear my dad's voice all day as if he had called me and said, "Happy birthday Love!" and when the end of the day came, I just cried because I will never hear that ever again. No one will love me like my father loved me and it isn't fair that he was taken from me. I just wanted to get through the day and get it over with. With Jacob's help, I got through it. I'm so so lucky to have that man.


Together, we embark on this journey of parenthood. We plan for our new dog someday and we're looking for a house to raise our little family. It seems like the journey is really beginning now and I can't wait to see where it takes us.