BFF

I love watching my little girl get to know, and fall in love with, our dog Captain Pickles. They are quickly becoming best buddies and it warms my heart to see. I grew up with dogs in the family - so many dogs came and went in the course of my childhood. I also love animals so very much and I hope that I can pass on this love and appreciation to my daughter. I want her to dig going to the zoo and delight at the feeling of a big sloppy kiss from a hairy smelly dog.

She is at the age where she wants to touch everything and hold everything and inevitably put everything in her mouth. So, I encourage her exploration but also watch closely because she will (and has) take a toy fresh from the dog's mouth and put it right smack into hers. She loves the feeling of the dog's hair in her fingers but always comes away with a handful, which ends up in her mouth.

Soon she'll be walking and chasing the dog and I can't wait to see it happen.

Alone again

Spending the evening alone with the baby and the dog, again. Jacob is out having beers with the guys. The thing is, intellectually I understand that he needs a break and he needs to see his friends. But emotionally, I just hate it when he spends the night out away from us when he is already away all the time for work. I resent being here by myself because it feels like I'm in this by myself even when he's here. He's not here. When his phone rings, I get tense inside because I know it's one of the guys inviting him out for beers or video games or a movie or something that we both cannot attend because one of us, me, needs to stay home with the baby. Those boys do not understand what it's like to have a family and responsibilities. They still live in a world where you can up and take a road trip just because or stay up until 3am and head to Whataburger just because you want a snack. And they pull Jacob into their world when I wish our world of family was enough for him.

It's getting really hard to have Isabel at work with me every day. I love being with her and I love that she has bonded to me. But the more mobile she gets, the more impossible it seems that I will get any work done when I have her. New challenges and I'm just feeling a little bit beat down.

Challenges. Trials. Life.

Five months of mommying

Isabel Grace is five months old today. I am loving her more and more every day but I have to be honest, every day isn't a Hallmark hugs and snuggles kind of day. It's hard, really hard. But it is definitely getting easier. She's got more personality and wants more independence, though doesn't have the ability to get it just yet. 


Jacob has been going out of town a lot for work. That's the hardest part - being alone in this when I thought I would have a partner to go through it together. I didn't sign on to be a single parent. But we make it work. The worst part is that we get along well when he isn't here so that when he is here, it's a big adjustment for all of us to include him in the routine. It shouldn't be like that. Hopefully the travel will slow down so he can join this family we made. He says he wants to help so maybe soon he will get the chance to do so.


We're doing ok.

Three months

It's true. I am the mother of a three month old. She is feisty and stubborn and happy. She is just learning how to laugh, a sound I relish every time I hear it. She cries when she is in the wrong position, which happens a lot when it's time to eat. I try hard not to get frustrated with this little girl but it happens, more frequently than I care to admit. I have to try my very hardest next time, and all the time, because I get rewarded with a magical smile with two cute dimples and snuggles in my chest. I get to take her to work with me which means every single day, I see my little girl. I remind myself that I am lucky, this is glorious because at times it can be too much togetherness. When she's fussy, when she can't stop crying, the together time is just too much. So I put her down, even though it sets off even more crying, I take a breath, and I pick her up singing a silly song. I get that beautiful smile and all is well. Isabel is growing into a wonderful person and I get to see it happen every single day. Things are good.

Ups and Downs

Well, I'm a mom. On December 12, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl we named Isabel Grace. Labor was less than ideal - she was turned sideways and wouldn't come out. One push with forceps later, she was finally out. 

She is such a funny, silly, demanding little one. I love my time with her, getting to know her and figuring out this whole parent thing with Jacob. He is becoming a wonderful father and has really taken to doting on Isabel. He's so good with her and such a great help to me. I can't imagine doing this alone and knowing I have his total support is such a God send. 


But there are hard parts I didn't think of before I had Izzy. I knew our lives would change once she arrived. Then I actually felt the change and it hit me with such force, I was so sad. Gone are the days of lazing about together on the sofa, snuggling in the mornings, going out to see a movie just because. Everything has to be planned out. Every moment someone needs something from one or both of us. We will never be able to just go out at a moments notice. Breastfeeding Isabel means she needs me with her at all times for all things, until we can get her on bottles of my milk. I'm ready to go out but I just can't leave Isabel without any food. It's definitely the hardest part so far.


We're working together and we'll get there. As long as I have Jacob, we can do it. In the meantime, I'm just gonna enjoy this little girl and the time that we have.

Puppy Love

Well, we did it. We went out and got a puppy. 


I know what you're thinking - you guys are about to have a baby and you went out and got a different kind of baby?!? It's true. This little guy needs a lot of attention, a lot of time, a lot of training. But it feels like the right thing to do for us.


We tried adopting an older dog, one who was already housetrained and knew commands. Except this dog didn't know any commands and startled at the slightest sound and pulled me so hard on the leash I thought I might fall over. We were miserable with this dog and knew after two days that it was a mistake. Luckily, he was on trial with us at our home so we sent him back. No harm, no foul.


We realized what we really wanted was a young, calm, pup born to follow and ready to be molded into a wonderful dog. We are ready to raise a dog together and embark on dog parenthood as a couple rather than one of us (Jacob) inheriting the other's crazy pet (mine). When we saw this little guy, getting squashed by his smaller sister and deferring to her instead of rushing up to get pet, even though that's what he obviously wanted, we knew we found our guy.


And now I can't imagine life before Captain Pickles. He's such a joy. He is learning quickly where to potty. He is full of love. He wants only to be with us and follow where we go. He will make an amazing dog.


On Friday we move into our new home and begin to truly make it ours, not to mention begin to train Captain Pickles to use the backyard. It's a scary adventure we've set out on but I have the best partner in the world. We can do anything together.

Not one of those girls

So, yeah. I'm not one of those girls - those people who take weekly pictures of their growing belly and update everyone on how baby is doing in there, posting "My belly - Week #" updates on Facebook.


Listen, I'm not judging. Really, I'm not. I have lots of pregnant friends and I love to see the album of their ever growing bellies and marvel at the changes. It's neat to see and fun to watch the growth. But the thought of me standing there, posed to the side with my arms caressing my baby bump or faced forward with my hands behind my back - gross. No. It doesn't feel natural, it doesn't feel like me. My mother-in-law is determined to get my picture. She keeps saying, "I don't have any pictures of the baby" and I tell her that she will get plenty of pictures of Baby once she arrives. Take as many pictures as you like once she gets here. But I won't pose for those belly pictures. 


I guess I just have a different view of pregnancy. Some women love it, embrace their changing bodies and marvel at the wonder of nature, blah, blahblah. I'm just not a fan of this time. I see it as a means to an end. I'm excited to meet this little human; I can't wait to embark on the crazy journey that is parenthood. But having to go through nine months of giving up my body just feels wrong. I do not enjoy being pregnant. I can't wait until I'm not pregnant. I'm already dreading having to go through this again in order to have a second child and I'm not even finished with my first! I never really knew I was this body conscious until my body started to change at a rapid pace and I just wanted to get back to my old body.


I keep going because in the end, it'll be worth it. She'll be here and we'll get to finally see her and get to know her and hold her. I'm dying for December, mostly to see my little girl. But maybe a little bit so I can get my body back.