The last time

I promised myself I would take the time to savor the moment, and remember the last time I nursed Isabel. But somehow, she weaned and I can't remember the exact day.

The fact that I even kept up with nursing my child for fifteen months is a bit of a miracle. I was ready to stop at about four months. My strong willed infant, however, refused anything except my boob. She wouldn't even take my milk out of a bottle. It had to be my boob, fresh from the source and since I couldn't very well starve my child - continue to nurse we did. Eventually, ever so slowly, she weaned. Cut a few feedings here and there, moved to only before nap and bedtime, then just one bedtime feeding to get her to sleep. 

I may not remember the last time but I will remember so many times before that. How she would instantly calm the moment she latched. How she would grip my finger to ensure I was still there. How she would laugh, with my boob still in her mouth, if I made a funny noise. How she would say, "more? more?" if I stopped her to soon. How she would drift off ever so slowly into sleep, eyelids blinking longer and longer and longer. How she would still suck, even though she was asleep, and curl up against me after I took out my breast.

I am so thankful I was able to feed her for so long. I will forever remember those sweet moments with my first child, how close it brought us, how much love passed every time we did it.

Fourteen Months

Hard to believe this little nugget is an actual walking talking person now. She challenges me every single day but good grief, I just love her to bits. I enrolled Is in a Gymboree class to get some interaction with little people her own age. I think she loves it - she gets to run and climb and play with balls and tumble on the floor. The best part for me is that afterwards, she is spent and takes the longest naps ever.

We're doing okay. Family life is in a good rhythm these days. 

BFF

I love watching my little girl get to know, and fall in love with, our dog Captain Pickles. They are quickly becoming best buddies and it warms my heart to see. I grew up with dogs in the family - so many dogs came and went in the course of my childhood. I also love animals so very much and I hope that I can pass on this love and appreciation to my daughter. I want her to dig going to the zoo and delight at the feeling of a big sloppy kiss from a hairy smelly dog.

She is at the age where she wants to touch everything and hold everything and inevitably put everything in her mouth. So, I encourage her exploration but also watch closely because she will (and has) take a toy fresh from the dog's mouth and put it right smack into hers. She loves the feeling of the dog's hair in her fingers but always comes away with a handful, which ends up in her mouth.

Soon she'll be walking and chasing the dog and I can't wait to see it happen.

Alone again

Spending the evening alone with the baby and the dog, again. Jacob is out having beers with the guys. The thing is, intellectually I understand that he needs a break and he needs to see his friends. But emotionally, I just hate it when he spends the night out away from us when he is already away all the time for work. I resent being here by myself because it feels like I'm in this by myself even when he's here. He's not here. When his phone rings, I get tense inside because I know it's one of the guys inviting him out for beers or video games or a movie or something that we both cannot attend because one of us, me, needs to stay home with the baby. Those boys do not understand what it's like to have a family and responsibilities. They still live in a world where you can up and take a road trip just because or stay up until 3am and head to Whataburger just because you want a snack. And they pull Jacob into their world when I wish our world of family was enough for him.

It's getting really hard to have Isabel at work with me every day. I love being with her and I love that she has bonded to me. But the more mobile she gets, the more impossible it seems that I will get any work done when I have her. New challenges and I'm just feeling a little bit beat down.

Challenges. Trials. Life.

Five months of mommying

Isabel Grace is five months old today. I am loving her more and more every day but I have to be honest, every day isn't a Hallmark hugs and snuggles kind of day. It's hard, really hard. But it is definitely getting easier. She's got more personality and wants more independence, though doesn't have the ability to get it just yet. 


Jacob has been going out of town a lot for work. That's the hardest part - being alone in this when I thought I would have a partner to go through it together. I didn't sign on to be a single parent. But we make it work. The worst part is that we get along well when he isn't here so that when he is here, it's a big adjustment for all of us to include him in the routine. It shouldn't be like that. Hopefully the travel will slow down so he can join this family we made. He says he wants to help so maybe soon he will get the chance to do so.


We're doing ok.

Three months

It's true. I am the mother of a three month old. She is feisty and stubborn and happy. She is just learning how to laugh, a sound I relish every time I hear it. She cries when she is in the wrong position, which happens a lot when it's time to eat. I try hard not to get frustrated with this little girl but it happens, more frequently than I care to admit. I have to try my very hardest next time, and all the time, because I get rewarded with a magical smile with two cute dimples and snuggles in my chest. I get to take her to work with me which means every single day, I see my little girl. I remind myself that I am lucky, this is glorious because at times it can be too much togetherness. When she's fussy, when she can't stop crying, the together time is just too much. So I put her down, even though it sets off even more crying, I take a breath, and I pick her up singing a silly song. I get that beautiful smile and all is well. Isabel is growing into a wonderful person and I get to see it happen every single day. Things are good.

Ups and Downs

Well, I'm a mom. On December 12, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl we named Isabel Grace. Labor was less than ideal - she was turned sideways and wouldn't come out. One push with forceps later, she was finally out. 

She is such a funny, silly, demanding little one. I love my time with her, getting to know her and figuring out this whole parent thing with Jacob. He is becoming a wonderful father and has really taken to doting on Isabel. He's so good with her and such a great help to me. I can't imagine doing this alone and knowing I have his total support is such a God send. 


But there are hard parts I didn't think of before I had Izzy. I knew our lives would change once she arrived. Then I actually felt the change and it hit me with such force, I was so sad. Gone are the days of lazing about together on the sofa, snuggling in the mornings, going out to see a movie just because. Everything has to be planned out. Every moment someone needs something from one or both of us. We will never be able to just go out at a moments notice. Breastfeeding Isabel means she needs me with her at all times for all things, until we can get her on bottles of my milk. I'm ready to go out but I just can't leave Isabel without any food. It's definitely the hardest part so far.


We're working together and we'll get there. As long as I have Jacob, we can do it. In the meantime, I'm just gonna enjoy this little girl and the time that we have.