Fall! Rejoice!

It's my favorite season. Gosh I love fall.

Isabel is finally adjusted to school. It definitely took longer than I wanted or expected but she is a strong one and eventually, we got to the point where there were no tears. She walks into the school and classroom on her own, immediately joins in with whatever the class is doing, and greets me with a smile when I come to pick her up. Even her teachers tell me that she is happy and playing and talking all the time. I think it's been good for her. She comes home now and sings a bunch of songs I know I didn't teach her, even mentions some I don't know (what is "my little turtle"?!?).

Baby 2 is growing like crazy, kicking and punching my side all through the days and nights. I'm finally at the point where I'm ready to not be pregnant any more. I feel so big and I still have a ways to go. But enough woe is me stuff, this pregnancy thus far is easy and we are both healthy so I can't ask for anything more.

I'm trying to enjoy the days I have with Isabel; I know soon our worlds will change forever and my focus and attention will be divided. I think that's the part I'm most worried about. I feel like I have the whole "taking care of a newborn" think down, I remember breastfeeding and am confident I can get back in the swing of things. But Isabel won't have all of me. There will be times when I just won't be able to tend to her. It will be hard on both of us. Hopefully this new little one will take to a bottle, like Isabel never did, and I can make time for just me and my first.

The other problem with baby 2 is that we have to name her eventually. It feels like Jacob and I will never come to a consensus on what her name should be. If only we were having a boy, we already had that name picked out and ready. Some day, sooner rather than later, we WILL name this child. I just hope it happens before she comes out into the world. 

Starting over... again

Well, okay. Keeping up with this writing thing has gotten a little bit out of hand. Let's begin, again.

Isabel is 20 months now. She's a darling creature - silly and serious,  independent and needy, feisty and calm. All things from one moment to the other. She started montessori school last week and I hope it's going well but honestly, I have no idea. She hates being dropped off and I imagine it's quite a change from being with her mom almost every day to being in a room with a bunch of other little people and two strange ladies who tell her what to do every day. She needs time to adjust and I suppose, we both do.

I miss her when she's at school, more so than when she's at her grandmother's house. I don't know what she's doing. I don't know how she's eating or what or if they're helping her eat. I miss her chatter from the backseat while I drive. I miss her sweet snuggles and seeing her crazy hair when she wakes from her nap.

Part of the reason she's in school now is that my work schedule is changing. But the big reason she's in school is because in January, I'll be having another little girl to add to the family. It's so strange - I absolutely hated being pregnant the first time. I was miserable and bloated all the time. I think because I don't plan on having any other children, I'm really taking the time to appreciate this pregnancy. I'm paying attention to everything and this time, everything is so different anyway. I'm definitely not as puffy and bloated as I was the first time - still wearing my wedding rings and shoes like normal!

So that's a brief update on where I'm at. Hoping that since I don't have the toddler with me I can write a bit more. More often than every few months anyway. 

The last time

I promised myself I would take the time to savor the moment, and remember the last time I nursed Isabel. But somehow, she weaned and I can't remember the exact day.

The fact that I even kept up with nursing my child for fifteen months is a bit of a miracle. I was ready to stop at about four months. My strong willed infant, however, refused anything except my boob. She wouldn't even take my milk out of a bottle. It had to be my boob, fresh from the source and since I couldn't very well starve my child - continue to nurse we did. Eventually, ever so slowly, she weaned. Cut a few feedings here and there, moved to only before nap and bedtime, then just one bedtime feeding to get her to sleep. 

I may not remember the last time but I will remember so many times before that. How she would instantly calm the moment she latched. How she would grip my finger to ensure I was still there. How she would laugh, with my boob still in her mouth, if I made a funny noise. How she would say, "more? more?" if I stopped her to soon. How she would drift off ever so slowly into sleep, eyelids blinking longer and longer and longer. How she would still suck, even though she was asleep, and curl up against me after I took out my breast.

I am so thankful I was able to feed her for so long. I will forever remember those sweet moments with my first child, how close it brought us, how much love passed every time we did it.

Fourteen Months

Hard to believe this little nugget is an actual walking talking person now. She challenges me every single day but good grief, I just love her to bits. I enrolled Is in a Gymboree class to get some interaction with little people her own age. I think she loves it - she gets to run and climb and play with balls and tumble on the floor. The best part for me is that afterwards, she is spent and takes the longest naps ever.

We're doing okay. Family life is in a good rhythm these days. 

BFF

I love watching my little girl get to know, and fall in love with, our dog Captain Pickles. They are quickly becoming best buddies and it warms my heart to see. I grew up with dogs in the family - so many dogs came and went in the course of my childhood. I also love animals so very much and I hope that I can pass on this love and appreciation to my daughter. I want her to dig going to the zoo and delight at the feeling of a big sloppy kiss from a hairy smelly dog.

She is at the age where she wants to touch everything and hold everything and inevitably put everything in her mouth. So, I encourage her exploration but also watch closely because she will (and has) take a toy fresh from the dog's mouth and put it right smack into hers. She loves the feeling of the dog's hair in her fingers but always comes away with a handful, which ends up in her mouth.

Soon she'll be walking and chasing the dog and I can't wait to see it happen.

Alone again

Spending the evening alone with the baby and the dog, again. Jacob is out having beers with the guys. The thing is, intellectually I understand that he needs a break and he needs to see his friends. But emotionally, I just hate it when he spends the night out away from us when he is already away all the time for work. I resent being here by myself because it feels like I'm in this by myself even when he's here. He's not here. When his phone rings, I get tense inside because I know it's one of the guys inviting him out for beers or video games or a movie or something that we both cannot attend because one of us, me, needs to stay home with the baby. Those boys do not understand what it's like to have a family and responsibilities. They still live in a world where you can up and take a road trip just because or stay up until 3am and head to Whataburger just because you want a snack. And they pull Jacob into their world when I wish our world of family was enough for him.

It's getting really hard to have Isabel at work with me every day. I love being with her and I love that she has bonded to me. But the more mobile she gets, the more impossible it seems that I will get any work done when I have her. New challenges and I'm just feeling a little bit beat down.

Challenges. Trials. Life.

Five months of mommying

Isabel Grace is five months old today. I am loving her more and more every day but I have to be honest, every day isn't a Hallmark hugs and snuggles kind of day. It's hard, really hard. But it is definitely getting easier. She's got more personality and wants more independence, though doesn't have the ability to get it just yet. 


Jacob has been going out of town a lot for work. That's the hardest part - being alone in this when I thought I would have a partner to go through it together. I didn't sign on to be a single parent. But we make it work. The worst part is that we get along well when he isn't here so that when he is here, it's a big adjustment for all of us to include him in the routine. It shouldn't be like that. Hopefully the travel will slow down so he can join this family we made. He says he wants to help so maybe soon he will get the chance to do so.


We're doing ok.