I've been feeling a definite shift in my sense of self lately. Problem is, I can't tell if it's the grief talking, if it's the pregnancy hormones, or if it actually is a real change in who I am and I'm just naturally growing into a different person. My poor, wonderful, husband tries (and greatly succeeds) in keeping me smiling and focused on all the good things in our life. But in quiet moments when I'm alone, it's so hard to grasp onto who I am. I was once a fiercely independent woman and now I feel unsettled without Jacob at my side. I was funny and caring and now I only want to look out for myself. I loved the company of friends and hanging out with those dear to me and now I want only to be at home. It's strange to be so sad when I finally got something I wanted for so long.
We found out last week this new little human is a girl. I'd gotten used to calling the baby bump he; I never really considered that there would be a little female in there. But now, I'm happy to use the correct pronouns for this little one. I love tracking her movements, irksome though they may be at 4am when I've only just gotten up to use the restroom, and talking to her so that she knows my voice. I LOVE when Jacob gets to feel her tiny kicks and when he sternly warns her not to be a slut. (It's true baby, don't be a slut!) We're both trying to bond with her in our own way and I think it's good. When she finally comes out, she'll be a person we're eager to finally greet instead of a stranger we don't know.
Now trying to find all the odds and ends we may need to raise this little girl, what a freaking crap shoot! There is so much stuff out there for babies! Every time I try to assemble anything resembling a gift registry, I just get so overwhelmed. How many bottles will we need? How many cloth diapers? Why does everyone turn their nose up at the idea of me using cloth diapers? Can a child have too many onesies?! I know at some point, I'll have to suck it up and just put something on the list. I was just hoping to go in there informed about the products. That isn't happening, no matter how many Baby Bargain books I read or websites I scour. I'm just gonna make a list and hope it's good. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
where to begin?
Ideally, this was gonna be a place where I actually shared my thoughts and came back weekly or so. But its been months since I've been here. So much has happened, I don't know how to get to where I am now.
First, the good: I'm pregnant. Jacob and I decided to start trying in January and lo and behold, by March I was knocked up. I didn't actually figure it out until mid-April though, at almost seven weeks. Oops. He jokes that his seed is strong. Almost 20 weeks now, halfway! It's so strange - the changes in my body, the weird happenings like my stomach growling on my right side under my ribs instead of you know, in my stomach. But it's also wonderful. I can't wait to meet him/her and start the parenthood journey.
Next, the bad: I lost two great loves of mine - my Charliedog and my father. They went within one week of each other. It seemed like someone was punishing us for being so insanely happy because before these tragedies, we really were happy beyond measure. Now we come home to an empty house. I think about the things my kid will never learn from my dad. I miss them both with all my heart. Perhaps at a later date I'll actually go into detail of what all happened but for now, both were sudden and unexpected and left me unable to breathe. If it wasn't for the baby, I would have just crumbled and taken a break from the world. But I go on, I have Jacob to rely on, and we just keep moving.
I celebrated my 34th birthday last Sunday, a week after losing my dad and two weeks after losing my dog. I could hear my dad's voice all day as if he had called me and said, "Happy birthday Love!" and when the end of the day came, I just cried because I will never hear that ever again. No one will love me like my father loved me and it isn't fair that he was taken from me. I just wanted to get through the day and get it over with. With Jacob's help, I got through it. I'm so so lucky to have that man.
Together, we embark on this journey of parenthood. We plan for our new dog someday and we're looking for a house to raise our little family. It seems like the journey is really beginning now and I can't wait to see where it takes us.
First, the good: I'm pregnant. Jacob and I decided to start trying in January and lo and behold, by March I was knocked up. I didn't actually figure it out until mid-April though, at almost seven weeks. Oops. He jokes that his seed is strong. Almost 20 weeks now, halfway! It's so strange - the changes in my body, the weird happenings like my stomach growling on my right side under my ribs instead of you know, in my stomach. But it's also wonderful. I can't wait to meet him/her and start the parenthood journey.
Next, the bad: I lost two great loves of mine - my Charliedog and my father. They went within one week of each other. It seemed like someone was punishing us for being so insanely happy because before these tragedies, we really were happy beyond measure. Now we come home to an empty house. I think about the things my kid will never learn from my dad. I miss them both with all my heart. Perhaps at a later date I'll actually go into detail of what all happened but for now, both were sudden and unexpected and left me unable to breathe. If it wasn't for the baby, I would have just crumbled and taken a break from the world. But I go on, I have Jacob to rely on, and we just keep moving.
I celebrated my 34th birthday last Sunday, a week after losing my dad and two weeks after losing my dog. I could hear my dad's voice all day as if he had called me and said, "Happy birthday Love!" and when the end of the day came, I just cried because I will never hear that ever again. No one will love me like my father loved me and it isn't fair that he was taken from me. I just wanted to get through the day and get it over with. With Jacob's help, I got through it. I'm so so lucky to have that man.
Together, we embark on this journey of parenthood. We plan for our new dog someday and we're looking for a house to raise our little family. It seems like the journey is really beginning now and I can't wait to see where it takes us.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Baby baby baby, oh!
This weekend Jacob and I went to a friend's birthday picnic at the local nature preserve. It was fun to get together with our small group of friends. We're all in different stages of life (some married, some engaged, some single, some dating and hopefully soon to be engaged) but we all have such a good time together. While I was eating my cookies at a picnic table trying not to scratch my itchy allergy skin (had a crazy reaction to something, but that's a different story), I overheard some of the girls talking:
K: I bet it's M and G.
S: No way, it's Debbie and Jacob.
M: You think so? Well it won't be us, we still have things we want to do and we're just not there yet.
Ah. The baby question. It seems like the minute Jacob and I said, "I do", our loving and loyal friends have been dying for us to make a baby already. It's sweet that they love us so much and are so excited to watch us grow our family. They've even said they are ready and willing to be there to help out and I'm sure when the time comes we will need help from our little village. But here's the thing: At first, I was very ready to start the baby making process but Jacob, being only 25 when we got married, was not there. He was scared to think about raising a child when he was just getting used to the idea of raising a dog. Granted, the dog was mostly raised by the time he came into the picture but, you know. Then slowly, I could see him warming up to the idea. I didn't want it to seem like I pushed him into it and I was willing to wait until he was ready. Then suddenly he was.
Truthfully, and if I can be truthful anywhere at this point it's here where no one is reading my words, we've been trying. We tried the hell out of it for most of January and February and it seemed at the end of February something was different about me. I would get nauseous all the time just randomly, I was sporting a little extra something around the waist, I was tired a lot. Lo and behold, the lady times hit and it seemed it was just an extra rough extended PMS time. Which meant, not only was I not pregnant but I wasn't fitting into my jeans because I was getting fat, what the hell?!?
I do want a baby so much. I want one now. I'm ready: I'm reading the books, and charting the thing, and reminding Jacob to keep his boys cool, and basically vacillating furiously between stressing out about it and just letting God do his thing. I'm much more of a mess about this than I let on, even to Jacob. Because when it was my period coming and not a baby, it was a blow. We TRIED more times than we've ever tried, you know? And if all that effort was for naught, we are gonna have to go at it on epic levels to put a little human in there. I know, I know, it takes time, on average about six months for a normal healthy couple to make it happen. I gotta stop stressing about this.
It's just, the added pressure of our friends wondering when/if it'll happen for us is kinda slowly killing me inside. I want to try to stay as healthy as I can while we try which means: no drinking, eating light, working out and staying (getting at first) active. The biggest clue for them is my not drinking. Not that I was a big ole alcoholic before, I've always been a light drinker. But when someone suggests we go to a pub for a few drinks, I panic. How do I hide the fact that I'm not drinking? If I tell them we're trying they will lose their shit and be all over us "Has it happened? It is time yet? Are you pregnant" and I think I'm freaking out enough already. Add in the fact that we've been apart for longer stretches than we've been together, and will continue to do so through the summer, it's gonna take serious miracle working.
I have no doubt in my mind that I will be a mother, I'll try to be a damn good one at that, but I was made to mother a child. I just hope and pray I get to do that sooner rather than later. God willing, I will. So loving friends, if it were up to me it would be Debbie and Jacob first so keep us in your prayers, we'll try to do our part, and let God take care of the rest.
K: I bet it's M and G.
S: No way, it's Debbie and Jacob.
M: You think so? Well it won't be us, we still have things we want to do and we're just not there yet.
Ah. The baby question. It seems like the minute Jacob and I said, "I do", our loving and loyal friends have been dying for us to make a baby already. It's sweet that they love us so much and are so excited to watch us grow our family. They've even said they are ready and willing to be there to help out and I'm sure when the time comes we will need help from our little village. But here's the thing: At first, I was very ready to start the baby making process but Jacob, being only 25 when we got married, was not there. He was scared to think about raising a child when he was just getting used to the idea of raising a dog. Granted, the dog was mostly raised by the time he came into the picture but, you know. Then slowly, I could see him warming up to the idea. I didn't want it to seem like I pushed him into it and I was willing to wait until he was ready. Then suddenly he was.
Truthfully, and if I can be truthful anywhere at this point it's here where no one is reading my words, we've been trying. We tried the hell out of it for most of January and February and it seemed at the end of February something was different about me. I would get nauseous all the time just randomly, I was sporting a little extra something around the waist, I was tired a lot. Lo and behold, the lady times hit and it seemed it was just an extra rough extended PMS time. Which meant, not only was I not pregnant but I wasn't fitting into my jeans because I was getting fat, what the hell?!?
I do want a baby so much. I want one now. I'm ready: I'm reading the books, and charting the thing, and reminding Jacob to keep his boys cool, and basically vacillating furiously between stressing out about it and just letting God do his thing. I'm much more of a mess about this than I let on, even to Jacob. Because when it was my period coming and not a baby, it was a blow. We TRIED more times than we've ever tried, you know? And if all that effort was for naught, we are gonna have to go at it on epic levels to put a little human in there. I know, I know, it takes time, on average about six months for a normal healthy couple to make it happen. I gotta stop stressing about this.
It's just, the added pressure of our friends wondering when/if it'll happen for us is kinda slowly killing me inside. I want to try to stay as healthy as I can while we try which means: no drinking, eating light, working out and staying (getting at first) active. The biggest clue for them is my not drinking. Not that I was a big ole alcoholic before, I've always been a light drinker. But when someone suggests we go to a pub for a few drinks, I panic. How do I hide the fact that I'm not drinking? If I tell them we're trying they will lose their shit and be all over us "Has it happened? It is time yet? Are you pregnant" and I think I'm freaking out enough already. Add in the fact that we've been apart for longer stretches than we've been together, and will continue to do so through the summer, it's gonna take serious miracle working.
I have no doubt in my mind that I will be a mother, I'll try to be a damn good one at that, but I was made to mother a child. I just hope and pray I get to do that sooner rather than later. God willing, I will. So loving friends, if it were up to me it would be Debbie and Jacob first so keep us in your prayers, we'll try to do our part, and let God take care of the rest.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
My main man...er, dog
This is my dog, Charlie. He is sweet, crazy, a lot to handle, and he has a big ole piece of my heart. But right now, he is fat. It's not his fault really. He loves to eat and I love to feed him. I also love to sit at home and veg on the sofa while he naps in his dog bed as opposed to walking him in the park or around the block.
The thing is, whenever he sees a dog or a cat or a bunny, he freaks out. He tugs at the leash, he barks, sometimes his hair on his back will raise up. He is inconsolable until the dog is out of sight and even then, he continues to tug and seek out the other animal. It isn't aggressive, just frantic and anxious. So I've been really lax on the exercise because there are times when I just can't handle him.
But it won't get better if we avoid the problem and really, he's more than a little tubby. So tomorrow it begins. We live right around the corner from a pretty awesome nature preserve. I'm taking him hiking in the mornings, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (weather permitting) and we're gonna get fit, have a good time, and get out in the world. I owe it to him to try.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Time Apart
How fitting that after I post about how much Jacob and I enjoy being together, our work schedules take us apart for weeks.
Last week my work family took a trip to Crested Butte for spring break. They also took me with them. I went back and forth whether I would actually go on this trip with them but ultimately, couldn't think of a real reason I wouldn't go other than I want to spend the time with my husband. So I went.
The first few days of the trip were really hard. It was a last minute trip to begin with but nothing was planned out so we had to do some scrambling and the parents really didn't deal with it well. Things were tense and awkward and I wished I had stayed home. Then I realized Jacob's work schedule would take him out of town for the two work weeks after I got back and I couldn't believe I was in Crested Butte skiing (which I don't even enjoy that much) when I could be at home with my boys.
So here I am, home alone on the first day of Jacob's work trip to Longview, wishing we could be together and dreading the rest of the week without him. You can't always get what you want I suppose.
Last week my work family took a trip to Crested Butte for spring break. They also took me with them. I went back and forth whether I would actually go on this trip with them but ultimately, couldn't think of a real reason I wouldn't go other than I want to spend the time with my husband. So I went.
The first few days of the trip were really hard. It was a last minute trip to begin with but nothing was planned out so we had to do some scrambling and the parents really didn't deal with it well. Things were tense and awkward and I wished I had stayed home. Then I realized Jacob's work schedule would take him out of town for the two work weeks after I got back and I couldn't believe I was in Crested Butte skiing (which I don't even enjoy that much) when I could be at home with my boys.
So here I am, home alone on the first day of Jacob's work trip to Longview, wishing we could be together and dreading the rest of the week without him. You can't always get what you want I suppose.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Together Time
The thing is, I love being with my husband.
I'm starting to think we are not normal. Everyone I talk to says things like, "Are you guys ready to kill each other yet? When I first got married, I was so sick of my husband". Even before we got married some friends of his said that if we didn't have doubts before the wedding, we just weren't normal. I have never doubted us. I will never doubt the love we have for each other and the bond we have created. On our wedding day, I was so excited to see him and become his wife and be tied to this man forever. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? But I'm getting off track here. Being together.
When we aren't together, I miss him. I miss talking to him and sharing my evening with him. When we aren't together, I wait impatiently for the time when we will be together again. Unfortunately, my husband's job keeps him away from home from time to time. The schedule always changes but we can be sure that at some point, he'll be away during the work week.
Next week, I'll be going to spring break with my work family to Crested Butte, CO and for the first time, my work will take me away from him. I don't want to leave him but he hates skiing and I really want a chance to try it again and get better at it. So after much deliberation, I decided to go. What I didn't plan on was Jacob's schedule taking him out of town immediately after I get back. So I'll be gone for one week, then he'll be gone for two work weeks. Added to that, he'll be out of town for three weeks in June, three weeks straight, and my work family is discussing taking the month of July to be in Crested Butte or Jackson, WY. They/we haven't figured out if that means I will go as well.
I have being away from Jacob. It's our first year of marriage and it seems like we'll be spending it more apart than together. How are we supposed to have a baby, how are we even supposed to MAKE a baby if we aren't in the same place for more that a couple days?
I'm trying really hard to just give it up to God and let Him lead me/us where we're supposed to be. I trust in Him and I trust us. Our love is so strong, we'll get through whatever our work schedules throw at us. But that doesn't mean I have to like it because when it comes down to it, I'd rather be snuggled with him on the couch than anywhere else in the world.
I'm starting to think we are not normal. Everyone I talk to says things like, "Are you guys ready to kill each other yet? When I first got married, I was so sick of my husband". Even before we got married some friends of his said that if we didn't have doubts before the wedding, we just weren't normal. I have never doubted us. I will never doubt the love we have for each other and the bond we have created. On our wedding day, I was so excited to see him and become his wife and be tied to this man forever. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? But I'm getting off track here. Being together.
When we aren't together, I miss him. I miss talking to him and sharing my evening with him. When we aren't together, I wait impatiently for the time when we will be together again. Unfortunately, my husband's job keeps him away from home from time to time. The schedule always changes but we can be sure that at some point, he'll be away during the work week.
Next week, I'll be going to spring break with my work family to Crested Butte, CO and for the first time, my work will take me away from him. I don't want to leave him but he hates skiing and I really want a chance to try it again and get better at it. So after much deliberation, I decided to go. What I didn't plan on was Jacob's schedule taking him out of town immediately after I get back. So I'll be gone for one week, then he'll be gone for two work weeks. Added to that, he'll be out of town for three weeks in June, three weeks straight, and my work family is discussing taking the month of July to be in Crested Butte or Jackson, WY. They/we haven't figured out if that means I will go as well.
I have being away from Jacob. It's our first year of marriage and it seems like we'll be spending it more apart than together. How are we supposed to have a baby, how are we even supposed to MAKE a baby if we aren't in the same place for more that a couple days?
I'm trying really hard to just give it up to God and let Him lead me/us where we're supposed to be. I trust in Him and I trust us. Our love is so strong, we'll get through whatever our work schedules throw at us. But that doesn't mean I have to like it because when it comes down to it, I'd rather be snuggled with him on the couch than anywhere else in the world.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Christmas has come
There is no tree in our apartment. It's quite roomy for two adults and a medium size dog but for all the living room furniture, and doggie beds (yes the dog has multiple beds. He's a bit spoiled but we'll get to that bit later), and extra chairs AND a tree? Not roomy enough.
I love Christmas. I would decorate every last inch of my home with red and green if I could afford to do so and if it wouldn't constitute a fire hazard of some sort because obviously that amount of tinsel and greenery is a three alarm fire waiting to happen. To be without a tree is a blow. I've tried to resign myself to loving the garland and lights on the mantle but damn, there is no tree!
Marriage is wonderful. I have to say, there isn't anything much different from when we were engaged or even when we were dating. So being with Jacob is wonderful. He's sweet and caring and is trying really hard to be a good husband but honestly, he doesn't have to try too hard. He's already so good to me; that's part of why I love him.
Our next big step is either a kid or a house. I am ready to start having kids but Jacob is not there yet. He's made great steps. He used to be scared of kids and want nothing to do to them. Luckily, with my nanny job putting me close to two great kids, he's gotten some experience. Even so, it seems like all of a sudden he's looking at toddlers and waving to kids, telling me about the cute baby that was in his office the other day. He's there, he just doesn't know he's there yet. I won't push. We'll get there together. For now, we are content to be a family of three - two humans, one canine - living our little life in the apartment we chose together.
In two days we leave for family Christmas in Kansas. Adventures abound I'm sure!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)